


All you have to do is Stay

by madeleinegrey



Category: Original Work
Genre: Age Difference, College, F/M, Family Conflict, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Teacher-Student Relationship, discussion of consent, forbidden but not exactly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-04-01 00:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13986756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeleinegrey/pseuds/madeleinegrey
Summary: When Jeffrey Lindberg accepted the post of professorship, little did he know that he'd be bewitched by a rather unremarkable, socially inept student!To unsuspecting eyes, Lynda may appear to be quite normal. She had everything she needed- trusty friends, loving parents, an apartment all to herself and she was flourishing in academics. But with closer attention you'll see the anomaly in her nature, the mask she kept on to hide herself. You see, Lynda didn't have a supportive childhood. People around her battling constantly made her a war causality. And she has tried to live through them, as best as she could. Now she has her walls built high, admitting no one inside. Because she knows the ultimate truth: people always leave.The last thing she needs is garnering their handsome social history professor's attention. They are an apparently contrasting pair but he is determined to break the walls of this skeptic, damaged girl who is too proud to let herself heal. And Lynda waits, waits for him to leave like everyone does. Only he is adamant to stay by her side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cast:  
> Alycia Debnam-Carey as Lynda Harding  
> Tom Hiddleston as Jeffrey Lindberg

"Lynda?"

"Mm."

"Lynda?" A finger jabbed in her ribs.

"What?" She huffed irritably and raised her head, heavy with sleep and blinked.

"Class's over." Alma said.

Ah. Finally. Professor Andrews wasn't a terrible teacher but Lynda could never focus on his words. She blamed the awful class hours. It is hard to focus in the afternoon classes when your eyelids go heavy like led and involuntarily shuts down.

"As you know" He was saying amidst the rustle of students getting up. "-this is my last class with you. From nect week, you will have Professor Lindberg continuing my course and I'm told he is very competent. I'm sure you won't have any trouble adjusting since I haven't begun anything stressful that would disrupt your studies by my departure. Should you need help, Ms. Lawton is here-" He gestures to the TA. "She will continue in her post with your new professor.

"Now, would anyone like to say something?" He glanced around the room hopefully, rubbing his palms. The room went silent. Every student was peering at one another hoping one of them will speak up and save their prestige.

"We will miss you Professor." Pamela in the front seat said earning a wide, fond smile from the fraying old man. One could hear the collective sigh of relief. Pamela is known to be a teacher's pet and as much as students hated her for it, they were thankful for her now. She stuttered but managed to convey how much they will miss his insightful lessons and kind words.

As soon as they were out however all was forgotten. At this stage of life, no one was bothered by transition.

Lynda joined with Alma and Nicole meandering through the crowd, both almost a foot shorter than Lynda, no doubt making her look like walking bamboo. She heard Pamela call behind her. All three of them halt as the girl sprinted towards them.

"Hey. I was thinking- maybe we should do something like farewell gift for Professor Andrews."

Lynda inwardly kicked herself. How did she even get time to think of these with all the studies she does? "I'm sure the teaching faculty will do something." She hoped that will put an end to her effort.

"Yeah but he will appriciate it considering its from his students. It will be good memory."

"Yeah, sure." They resumed walking and Pamela fell in step with Lynda.

"We could maybe-"

"Anyone knows Professor Lindberg?" Nicole asked, cutting off Pamela.

"Oh yeah. He's been taking 'Tudor Society' for a week now. I hear he is pretty good." Pamela said smugly, like it was so awesome to possess that information.

"I just hope we don't get one like Professor Borosova. Have you seen her eyes? It's like she is recording everything with them."

"And her pronunciation."

"Yeah. That too. How does she say it?" Nicole scrunched her brows mimicking. "Tropical decudious forest. Not deciduous, decoodious forest." Alma poked her. "What?"

She gestured to Pamela who was enjoying a laugh but will no doubt take this up to her.

Jeffrey Lindberg was one of those people who appeared too perfect to believe. And it wasn't just his physical features. He spoke in crisp, perfect grammar with too many obscure words and added 'please' and 'thank you' unnecessarily to every sentence. When he began his lecture, he looked so earnestly invested in topic that he almost forgets the physical world around him.

The worst about him he is very thorough with his class. Every topic has to be discussed with all possible digressions and each and everyone has to get involved which of course bugged Lynda who preferred to hide in the crowd.

But that was okay for most of the class, especially the females who were struck by his, as Zaira said and she quoted "too handsome to be true" looks. He was tall, well above six foot and built lean and strapping; dressed impeccably in suits that looked like he stepped out of men's fashion catalog. 

For her part, Lynda couldn't see the fascination.

"His forehead is size of a fucking football." She said when they were in canteen.

"You have no taste, Lynda." Zaira complained.

"But he is in his thirties."

"Thirty four. But hark who's talking. You have Hugh Jackman all over Facebook wall." Alma quipped and Lynda glared at her in betrayal.

"At least I don't have Lemon Ho peeping out of my Macbeth."

"It's Lee Min Ho." Alma cried.

"Whatever. Anyway, he could be married." Lynda argued.

"No ring."

"Engaged."

"Nope. I checked."

"Why am I not surprised?" Lynda muttered. "It's against university rules."

"Oh come on. It's not like I'm really gonna pursue him."

"Yes you are."

"Okay maybe a little." She agreed. "But that doesn't stop Bethany and Professor Newman."

"Wait what?" Lynda and Alma cried in unison.

"Oh you didn't know?" She pretended to be innocent when it was apparent she was trying increase the dramatic effect.

"Remember the Freshers? Bethany offered a pastry and Newman ate it out of her hand."

"That doesn't-"

"Lemme finish. Bethany had taken a bite off it before offering it to Newman in front of everyone. They are so obvious I am surprised he didn't get called in yet."

Lynda wouldn't know. She can't even tell who are in her classes, least of all who's dating who.

"Well, it's their business." Lynda huffed, getting up. She was already running late for her dance practice. "See you guys tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

After the end of her class, Lynda returned to her empty flat.

It is her mother's flat; she used to live here when she was posted in London. Now it was just an asset, a place to stay in when they came to London for some purpose until Lynda moved in. It had minimal space- one bedroom, attached bath, kitchen and drawing. More than comfortable for an undergraduate living alone; it crossed out the trouble of living with a flatmate.

Inside the flat, she switched on light in every room. Lighting the stove to boil some pasta, she checked her phone. 3 Whatsapp messages. Lynda ignored them and dialed her father.

"Hmm?" He answered in the same bored tone.

"What are you doing?"

He mumbled something about seeing patients.

"Mm. Where's Sarah?"

"Studying."

"Mum called?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. Call me when you get home." She reminded him and tossed the phone to bed. The mirror of the dressing table at the foot of her bed was uncovered; Lynda crossed the distance and covered it with a towel. By then her food is boiled and she separated them from water and let it rinse while she changed into her home clothes.

With the final cooked bowl, she started her laptop and connected it to her phone. It was hard to keep track of every discussion in Lindberg's class so she recorded his session on her phone. He had a rich, clear voice; Lynda played the record as she went through her chapters.

When his part was finished, however Lynda found her mind wandering again. She did the dishes and came back to study once again but only to fail. Frustrated she picked up her phone she had been ignoring.

One more message of Elijah.

**U there?**

**Im here now**

She texted back. Ping.

**u werent answering**

**i was out**

**ooo listen**

**do u hate me?**

**for what?**

**cuz of what we do**

Did she? Lynda will have to admit she never did like it. Casual talk was never one of her abilities, least of all sexting. It felt impersonal. True, she was sometimes curious about certain things but she didn't think it'd lead her here. She couldn't say no either. Elijah was her only audience apart from Alma, and though he wasn't enthusiastic all the times, it was nice to talk to some one and if this was the price, she doesn't want to risk it.

**not at all**

**so like im not forcing u am i**

**nah**

They settle in a comfortable conversation about what they have been up to, which wasn't much. Lynda could tell that wasn't he had in mind but she had no intention to give in. Finally Elijah broke.

**so i was thinking**

**i need some jerking**

**body demand ya kno**

Lynda wanted to throw the phone out.

**go watch porn**

**im too tired for this**

**k cool...i intend to**

**hmm**

**btw when u comin down here**

**lets see**

Never, she didn't add.

As time progressed, the clear autumn sky changed into grey of winter. After few days of terrible storms in November, the early days of December saw soft snow settling soundlessly on the ground. This sudden anomaly of weather proved to be very inconvenient for Lynda. She hated the damp chill inside her tiny flat, not a hint of sunlight anywhere. 

Apart from the unusual weather, every day was unvaried. Lindberg continued to be a favorite among both students and teacher but Lynda noted he tried too hard to be liked. Nonetheless he was growing on her with his teaching capability and as much as she doesn't want to admit, his handsome features. She found herself craving for his attention but the professor was ever polite, seemingly impartial to none.

Classes had been rearranged in the second semester and as exams approached, Lynda found herself losing her focus. She didn't have a solid excuse for it- she used to love reading but lately it tired her more than it gave her peace. Her neglect wasn't limited to just Social history but even her honors subject.

Her father came to visit one day and helped her to get a geyser installed. She needed a room heater too and proposed the subject with much hesitation.

"Later." He said. "Can't afford one at the moment."

Lynda sighed. "Do you want me to talk to mum?"

"No. Leave her be."

"But this is her family. She has to contribute-"

"Lynda, please. I'm done with her. She didn't spare anything for the last couple of months and I'm sick of asking her for money. Let her keep doing whatever she wants."

"Miss Harding?"

Lynda looked up from her book she had been doodling on. She was vaguely aware of the class that was going on but she had dozed off for some time. Lindberg was looking expectantly at her.

"Late night?"

"No, sorry." She straightened up and stifled a yawn. The currant pills made her sleepy at worst time of the day.

"Can anyone tell me who were the first Renaissance humanists?" 

Well fuck. She should have studied last night instead of texting nonsense to Elijah. "Uh- Raleigh? Walter Raleigh?"

Lindberg's soft smile morphed into disappointment and Lynda's chest tightened.

"This is the third time this week." He said, turning away. "I was under impression that all of you are up to the mark with your course especially with exam around the corner. I see I'm wrong. Abigail, how about you?"

Since when did he start calling Carr by her first name, Lynda thought.

"Petrarch and Boccaccio." Abigail answered smartly.

"Right you are. I suppose there is still hope for you. Now, Boccaccio's notion of humanism was akin to Italian humanism and also with the Florence Government-"

His lectured resumed. Soon it was time for departure and the bell rang, relieving Lynda.

"Miss Harding" Lindberg called out in the middle of clamor of students leaving. "Will you please stay back for a while?"

Quite a pair of eyes turned her way and Lynda froze. Alarmed, she glanced at her best friend who shrugged, as much puzzled as her and proceeded to the desk together.

"I'll be outside." Alma told her before leaving her side. Lynda nodded and anxiously turned to the professor.


	3. Chapter 3

"Sit." He pointed to the nearest desk and himself rose from his. Lynda slid behind the table, not before banging her foot against it's leg. The professor had his eyebrows raised, no doubt judging her ungraceful movements.

"Sorry" She muttered and took her seat. Lindberg gave a curt nod and stood in front of his desk, leaning against it. Lynda tried to look anywhere but his copper brown hair, or his white shirt stretched taut over his chest; there's even a brooch on his collar, which read 'All Swears' when Lynda looked closer.

The professor was oblivious to her antsy reaction and went straight down to the problem.

"I understand that I took this post after the first semester so I had missed getting to know all of you as personally I would like, to evaluate your capabilities and wherever you need more assistance. But since it wasn't possible, well- I looked over everyone's report. I know it doesn't always reflect what a student is capable of and I would refrain from judging one by one's grades. You however have me lost, if not worried."

Lynda met his eyes. They were blue with tinge of green, most compelling.

"For first semester your were given B for your honors subject; B and C for two generals. Now B is 2.1, quite satisfactory for my class and your grade in the other subject could be improved. So you are not in any difficulty any time soon."

"Then why am I here?" Lynda asked, unable to keep her anxiety anymore.

"Because I can't figure you out."

Lynda couldn't decipher his words at first. "Uh- what?"

"You do not perform in class, not according to your grade. I never see you taking part in class discussion or any activities, let alone answer the very questions being asked from the subject being taught-"

Lynda looked down, flushing with embarrassment.

"Someone holding A or B grade should at least try to look involved but there's no effort from you. None. Now that leaves me wondering if you are really as competent as your grades suggest or-"

Lynda opened her mouth to protest but Lindberg silenced her by holding up his hand.

"- your performance is slipping due to some personal issues. Now, I want to believe it is the later and then it'd be in my capability to help you out. We do not just feed you knowledge, we are also adviser. There's our counselor, you can go to her if you are not comfortable discussing it with me." He paused, letting Lynda writhe in her own thoughts.

"Can you at least tell me vaguely, what is it that's bothering you?" He said, inclining his head closer when Lynda didn't answer. "Is it something personal?"

"No." Lynda shook her head. She wished to blurt out a great many things but she couldn't link the words together.

"Then should I imagine you had some extra help-"

"No." Lynda cried. "I'd never do that."

"Then why don't you participate in class?"

"Because I just- don't like it?" That sounded stupid.

"You don't like it?" He repeated, his voice hinting of his annoyance. "It is not a choice you get to make. Taking part in activities is essential, it helps your growth. This is for your own benefit."

"Maybe but I don't really care. The way I do things, it works out for me. I don't need to jot down every single thing because I know what I need to do. And at the end, if I get the grades I need, it doesn't matter how I get it."

"But I wouldn't know if you have a problem." He argued, voice rising. "Or if you are slacking. As your teacher, it is my responsibility."

"Guess you'll have to trust me." She didn't want to further this conversation. "If I have a problem, I'll surely let you know."

Lindberg pursed his lips and turned away, movement reeking of frustration. "Ok then. I hope you know what you are doing. If anything is needed, please come and ask me."

"Thank you, Professor." Lynda rose, taking it as dismissal.

"Miss Harding?" She heard him called behind her when she was halfway across the room.

"Yes sir?"

"Don't stay out late. Sleep is necessary for your body."

Lynda was half tempted to explain that was the least thing he needs to be worried about but that'd require hour long explanation. "Yes of course, sir."

"One two three. Twirl." The instructors voice boomed. "Again. One two- no no!"

She slipped between the rows of dancer, waving her hands wildly.

"Natalie, I said light steps- don't jump. And Lynda-"

Lynda stopped on one leg, hand stretched out.

"Move behind Vivienne. Your blocking her."

Lynda did accordingly and took her place in the last row. Sometimes being tall wasn't so advantageous.

"And we go-"

"Can I have your attention please?" She declared after the end of her session. Lynda dropped her half packed bag on the floor and sat down beside it.

"We are planning to do a program on March in the occasion of some foreign lectures coming to this college. I'm told they are from India so we will be performing pieces in oriental theme. Those of you interested will submit their names and will be chosen from-"

It was drizzling when Lynda made out of the class; accompanied by Salma as they walked to the bike stand. The usual December weather had returned.

"So you gonna try out?"

"Nah."

"But you're good."

Lynda shrugged, taking her helmet out of her scooter. "Maybe. I don't know. It's not something I wanted when I signed up. Performing for someone-pfft. I am doing it for me."

"You are weird."

"I've been told."

 


	4. Chapter 4

"Did your father say anything about me?" Her mother asked.

Lynda huffed; she was on her way to class when her mother called out of nowhere and she guessed it must be some emergency to be blessed with her call.

"No."

"Hmm. Well he told me to stop sending money for that girl-So, I uh..told her this was the final amount I'm going to send. The way all of you-"

"No one was pressuring you about that mama; at least I wasn't. I know you are doing a good thing, a really decent thing and I want to be like that. But you have to understand, you need to think about your future. Don't stop helping her just to please us."

"Why do you think I'm not thinking about future?" She yelled over the phone. "Who's been telling you these things? Your father-it's your father isn't it?"

"No one is telling me-"

"I'm a working woman. I have the right- I have that economic freedom-"

"That doesn't mean you can do whatever you want!" Lynda screamed. She was fighting a losing battle. "You lost that freedom when you decided to have a family."

People passing by scowled at her and Lynda turned away.

"I've got to go- we'll talk later." Lynda slipped the phone inside her pocket and sprinted to class.

Lindberg was already in the middle of an explanation and literally glowered when Lynda asked for permission to enter. The front desks were unusually full. Wonder why, she thought sarcastically.

"Please don't sit here." Abigail said, pushing her bag on the vacant place beside her.

Lynda's blood boiled. "Of course not, Abigail." She said as sweetly as possible but rather loudly. "You'll require two seats to accommodate your ego."

Someone snorted from behind and soon cackle of laughter rang out. It appeared the whole class have heard along with their professor. Abigail's cheek turned a very pleasing shade of crimson as if she had been slapped, and Lynda, content with herself crossed the aisle and dropped down next to Alma.

"That was awesome." Alma muttered beside her. "The nerve of that bitch."

"I guess." Lynda said, proud of herself.

"Everybody please quiet down." Lindberg cried, trying to silence the commotion. "Mister Addy, please."

After class, Lindberg handed out the test papers he had graded. Lynda got a B. When she locked eyes with the professor, he gave a content nod. Lynda looked away quickly, turning to compare her paper with Alma's.

"Okay if I come over tomorrow?" She asked Alma as they walked to English in Hall 3. They have been planning to watch Doctor Strange; more like Lynda was trying to recruit her for Marvel fandom where she will talk endlessly about theories while Alma nods by her side, not understanding.

"Yeah. Sure." She didn't sound very enthusiastic but Lynda will take it as confirmation.

"Yo Alma?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I come over?"

There was a pause in the other end. "About that- my sis is coming over. Really sorry about that-"

"No it's cool." Lynda swallowed her disappointment.

"Sure? You could have called me before, you know-" Still she would have sought some excuse.

"It's fine though. Tell your sister I said hi."

"Will do. Bye."

Lynda sighed and started the movie: she knew all too well to never wait for someone. People often found her annoying, and Lynda didn't want to impose on anyone. Afterwards, she took out her chair in the tiny balcony and soaked herself in the declining sun. She hadn't feel this alone in a while.

Elijah texted her, sharp at 7.

**hey sexy**

**r u on drugs?**

**why**

**since when do you call me sexy**

**ill stop if its bothering u**

**no its cool**

**k fine**  
**what u doin**

**touchin myself**

**really**  
**can i see**

**no u moron**

**why??**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant fix the problem with the later half of the chapter but its elijah asking Lynda out and she grudgingly agreed. i'll try to fix the problem now


	5. Chapter 5

Lynda looked tired in the mirror. Her dark eyes had bags under them; a deep cut slit her left eyebrow. She tucked her shoulder length hair behind her ears and tried to smile; it looked like someone was hurting her.

She settled on a full sleeve shirt paired with her usual high waisted jeans over her best set of underwear; her navy blue jacket to complete the look. A little bit of lipstick and badly applied eyeliner, she was done. Yep, presentable.

She dumped all that she'd need in a bag: water bottle, band-aids, condom and lube. Just in case.

"Where the fuck is my phone?" She muttered to herself. "Gas? Check. Windows? Mm." She locked the door behind her and tried the handle. "Lock check."

She was met with Ethan in the hallway, a highly excitable high schooler living next door with his mum. Lynda never got on all with them; that lady had complained to the landlord about the risks of having a single young girl living next door.

"Date?"

"Nope." Lynda dashed past him without sparing him a look.

"Where to?" The cabbie asked. It was past 1.

"Blue Lotus."

Elijah had called when she was on the train. It was first time she heard his voice- a little bit thin. He said he'll wait at the restaurant. Such gentleman.

Outside the diner, Lynda hopped off the taxi and paid the driver. It was a decent restaurant; Lynda nervously pushed through the glass door. It was an warmly lit, cozy place furnished with wood. She looked around trying to find the skeletal figure of Elijah. What if he didn't look like he did in photos?

"Lynda. Hey." A skinny arm shot up at the back. Lynda adjusted her glasses and approached cautiously.

Elijah got up, and stretched his hand. Lynda went for it and was soon dragged into a hug. It was awkward like she was hugging a tree.

"You look good." He said, taking in her features. "Like so much better in photos."

"Yeah well I'm not a very skilled selfie taker so." She detached herself and sat opposite him. Elijah walked around her and sat down beside her.

"You look-" She observed him- he is of rather scrawny built with a prominent nose and wisp of mustache under it; brown hair cropped short; not exactly attractive, but not repelling either. "-healthy."

Elijah snorted. "You really are shit at this."

"I did tell you, didn't I?" She joined in with his laughter and pushed away the empty glass.

"So what are we gonna today?" She asked to evade the awkward silence.

"Ooh. Right down to business."

"In my defense, I never went out on a date- not that this is a date but yeah. I'm shit at this."

"I don't believe it." He shook his head.

"What?"

"That you've never been on a date? I mean, I was wrong. You are quite-" He made a circle around her face. "decent looking."

"Decent looking?" Lynda scowled. 

"Sexy."

"Oh. Thanks."

They decide to eat first and then go for a movie- they were showing Passenger at 3; it wouldn't require her to speak much. They have chow mein with chicken balls and curry with chocolate ice cream for dessert. They split the bill.

Two hours later they were walking to Elijah's place. Their hands were brushing against each other but Lynda ignored them. To mask her discomfort, she goes on talking about the movie; Elijah joined sometimes with a nod and a hmm. They stopped outside a cramped, four-storey flat. Elijah let themselves inside a dingy room, a little larger than Lynda's.

"Where are your parents?" She asked as she cleared the messy sofa and dropped on it.

"Out. Won't be back before 10." He replied securing the door.

Lynda looked around, sinking into the sofa; fatigue descending on her. Elijah disappeared into the next room and returned with two cokes. He sat next to her, pressed close but Lynda didn't complain.

"I had fun." He declared.

"Mm." Lynda sighed. The air had changed between them. The queasiness that had gone now returned with full force when he shifted closer. Even when she told this was all they were doing today, she knew there's to be more. He was looking at her, Lynda could feel but she stared at the oily wall stubbornly. His hands have moved to her thighs and climbing upwards. The air was too hot.

Elijah touched her cheek; his fingers were warm. Could he tell she was shaking?

When he leaned closer, Lynda drew breath sharply but he wasn't for a kiss. Instead they were in sort of half hug where he was breathing heavily on her neck. "Okay, this is happening. Keep calm." She instructed herself. "It's gonna be fine."

His hand left her shoulder and traveled down her spine till they stopped at her waist. Her own hands were useless. It was good that she wasn't in charge. His fingers were tugging at her shirt and-

"I'm sorry." She sat back letting out a long held breath.

"No it's fine- do you wanna take it to bed?" His hand found her arm.

"No I mean I can't do this."

His shoulder drooped with disappointment. "Why not?"

Should she tell him it scares her? "Are you even attracted to me?"

"Uh...why?"

"Just answer."

"Not really."

"Why would you sleep with me even if you are not attracted to me?"

"It's just sex Lynda. It doesn't have to mean anything. I though we were doing for mutual benefit."

"Yeah we were but I don't know-"

"It's not wrong." He protested. "Nobody is judging you."

"I know! It's just I don't want this." Not with you at least, she thought.

Elijah huffed loudly making her flinch. She didn't mean to upset him. "Do you want to have a relationship, is that it?"

"God no! I just don't feel good...I can't do it. I don't want to do it. Please."

They sat in silence, Lynda fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, her heart beating rapidly. She couldn't even glance to her side. A sickness twisted in her stomach. Fear. Disappointment. Guilt. Should she leave now? 

"Yeah." Elijah said. Lynda realized she had asked it out loud.

 


	6. Chapter 6

The train ride back to London was like a dream, blurry and distant like she wasn't even in her body. The guy opposite him was watching her with his glassy eyes. Lynda hugged herself tighter and rested her head on the cold window, looking away. Her mind kept drifting back to the day's event.

She couldn't stop anxiety flooding in. It wasn't as easy as she thought it'd be; maybe she wasn't so cold and indifferent to everything after all. Sex was cool but what scared her most is what came after; she wasn't ready to handle the change, the new feelings that brought with it.

It was wrong of her to lead him on when she wasn't sure of herself. The guilt had been nagging her since she left. The way she had dashed out, leaving him hanging. He probably thought it was his own fault. She dared not think about the story he'll tell his friends about her. It wasn't fair to him.

Or maybe she shouldn't be feeling this guilty: it wasn't her fault. Their first condition was Lynda could could pull back any time she wanted and he couldn't push her. Damn that boy. She regretted this meeting, regretted all the dirty thoughts they had shared. 

She got off the train at ten to nine. Few people got off with her: it was a Sunday night after all.

On her way back, she decided to stop at the departmental store.

She tossed some pasta in her basket along with bread, ketchup and orange juice. She counted her balance and added a chocolate spread to her list. Lynda crossed to the next aisle to pick up some pads. She stopped abruptly when she recognized the tall, well-proportioned figure of Professor Lindberg. He was picking a Nutella, clear sign of man living alone.

Lynda hung back, undecided if she should go ahead and say hi or just dodge past him without drawing his notice even when she knew it was opposite of what she craved. Just then he turned, his eyes locked into her own sending a chill down her spine, effectively paralyzing her. Lindberg smiled.

He walked to her, or rather drifted with his graceful movements. Lynda had rooted herself to the ground, every moment slow but too fast to preserve it.

"Miss Harding." 

"Good evening Professor or rather, night." Her voice came out strangled and thin.

"Staying out again, I see." His eyes roam all over her, making her squirm.

"I was coming back from my mother's." She replied quickly. Lindberg's face softened.

"Where does she live?"

"Manchester." 

Lindberg arched his eyebrows. "I'm from there myself."

"Yeah?"

He hummed, putting a hand inside his pockets like he did in class when he was about start a lecture. "Mm. Swinton, greater Manchester. I was just there for the holiday. Came back this afternoon on the 5:50. There's too much work with the end of semester getting closer. Speaking of which, I think I owe you apology for doubting you."

Lynda's cheek warmed at his words. She shifted her weight from left to right.

"Your answers need to be more precise, points are all over the place but still, a good job."

"Thank you sir. I'll try." 

"That's good to hear. Are you heading out?" He asked pointing at her basket.

"Yeah."

He led the way to the cash counter making small talk. Lynda trailed after him, answering all that she could. The outside air was chilly and soothed her stormy mind. She clutched her carry bags and fell in steps with Lindberg as they walked towards the nearest taxi stand.

"You haven't eaten anything, have you?" The professor asked as they walked down the street.

"Uh no."

Lindberg sighed like a concerned parent. "C'm on. Let's get some dinner." 

She must have heard him wrong but he was looking at him sincerely.

"Okay." She nodded, she really was hungry. He guided her to a nearby diner: Meadows, a small place catering 24/7. Inside, it was almost empty, few people in the counter watching the news. They cast a weird look at their direction and went back to talking among themselves. She and professor took a table near the window.

"What'd you like?" The waiter appeared. She looked curiously from her to Lindberg; she can understand what was going on through her head.

"Your pick." Lynda told him when asked. They decide on veg chow and the waiter walked away, leaving them in nervous silence.

"I saw you leaving the campus last Thursday." Lindberg said at length. "What class do you have so late?"

Lynda gulped at his confession- he noticed more than he let on then. The flattery made her skin tingle. She told him about her dance classes.

"It's okay. We are performing two pieces. One is some Bollywood song and the other is more classical. It's for the upcoming seminar."

Sonia, their instructor had insisted Lynda join the troop. Secretly, she liked being asked, that she was recognized but that's it. A routine always killed her passion for anything. Lynda related him with tidbits of information of dancing and he listened with his soft smile and interested gaze.

"Sorry I must be boring you." She noticed he had gone too long without speaking while her mouth was running. "I tend to talk too much."

"Not at all. They are rather-" He paused to consider. "Amusing."

Was he laughing at her?

"Interesting." He clarified. "I suppose you do one-on-one better than conversing in group."

"Well I can talk and socialize but I don't want to." She shrugged. "It's just I don't have much in common with most people. My ways don't coincide with theirs."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I suppose people are expected to behave in certain ways and I don't. That's what my mom says. Like I'm the odd one."

Their food arrived- Lynda's plate was far more full than she can eat. 

"Are you serious?" She heard him gasp.

"That's literal bloodbath." He pointed at her plate, chows dripping red with ketchup.

"What?" She shrugged. "I love spicy stuffs."

Lindberg chuckled and they both started.

"How long have you lived with your mother?" He asked.

"Not long. Just an year when we transferred to Manchester but then she-" decided they were handful and sent them back to their father.

"She is principal of a school there." She explained. "It's hard to make time for us. And papa was always there and he single-handedly brought us up. We had some help and mama came back on weekend so yeah- it was okay."

"Don't you miss her?"

"Not anymore. I mean it's like that since we were kids, me and my sister and we kind of got used to it."

She asked him about his family to change the conversation when it became personal; he told her how close he was to his mother; from what she heard she inferred his parents were separated and he had no contact with his father. She liked talking to him; his voice was calming, taking her mind off all worries and he seemed genuinely interested to talk to her.

When the waiter arrived with bill, Lindberg took out his wallet. "It's my treat." He insisted.

There was no way she could stop him. "Fine. In that case we'll have two chocolate smoothies for which-" She glared at Lindberg, "I will be paying." 

"You know, it's not bad being the odd one." He said when they walked out, sipping their smoothies. "They are far more interesting."

"Maybe. But most people don't have patience for people like us."

Lindberg offered to drop her to her flat but it was opposite his direction and Lynda didn't want to tax him anymore.

"Here. Keep my number." He handed her a chit. "Promise me you'll call when you get back. Otherwise I'll know you are still hopping around London at this time."


	7. Chapter 7

Lynda made an attempt to get in touch with Elijah but he hadn't returned any of her texts. That was good though; it confirmed what she suspected about him, that he only befriended her in order to get in her pants. Well, one less bitch to deal with.

Dance class kept her busy. 

Miss Stevens had trusted her to lead first with her classical routine and Lynda had to admit, she loved the rhythm of the tune; her hands formed shapes so easily. The lead two part of the Bollywood song went to Noora and Ivy who beat Lynda to it. 

But she was glad to do any part. Doing something physical always took her mind of everything and made her think clearer, it was therapy. Often her instructor would find her lost in her routine. Unless approached physically, she would go on disregarding anyone's existence.

That was how Alma found her best friend.

"Sorry I had my headphone on." Lynda said taking off her wireless headphones.

"You have a fucking stereo. What do you need headphone for?"

"I like to feel I'm surrounded by sound." She shrugged and switched off the speaker. She was still running hot after the exercise and wanted to take a quick shower before she went out but Alma wouldn't hear her excuses.

"Fucking finally!" Zaira exclaimed when both of them showed up at Showtime 60. She was with some of their batch-mates Grayson, Darvany, Caroline and two other she didn't recognize. "We were betting if you'd show up and guess what? I'm now 5 pound richer."

"You can thank me." Alma said happily and drew out a chair; Lynda followed. It was a nice place she observed, it was furnished with wood, velvet and leather, red bulbs hanging from the low ceiling. It reminded her of the jazz bars she saw in movies.

Opposite them, across the dance floor was a girl singing on the podium, her high notes rivaling that of Broadway singers. The waiter came with tray of their order: various shades of lime, peach and frosty colors. Lynda took her- a cran codder with lime garnish; Alma had fizzy lemonade.

After that girl, one band consisting of three boys in denims took the stage. After two songs, the previous girl was requested back.

"That singer-" Darvany leaned to her, "Competed in X Factor last year. Made it to the top 5."

"Here have a sip of mine." Zaira offered her rosy margarita. Lynda took a gulp and her whole body buzzed as the fruity liquid flowed down her food pipe.

"It's intense."

"Two shots of Tequila." She winked. "Heaven."

The day concluded with a party at Darvany's. Conversation flowed, Lynda did not bother keeping up. She danced once with Cameron from Zoology before getting interrupted by his girlfriend. Other than that she kept to herself scrolling through Tumblr, warding off potential conversationalist. She didn't drink anymore, it made her drowsier with the drugs working.

Later she found the same couple behind the kitchen top, pressed to each other. It wasn't definitely what it looked like, Lynda saw, when she neared them.

"Stop" The girl was saying. "Not now. Cam, I'm serious."

Cameron had her arms twisted around her back, the other tugging at her collar despite her protest. The girl wasn't in her sober state, Lynda saw, as her words came haltingly and slurred. Her objections were dying down as her body went slack.

"Hey." Lynda tapped his shoulder. He let go of the girl's arm but maintained a strong grip on her waist. "Let her go."

"Mind your own business." He said and tried to dragged the unwilling girl away.

"She said no." Lynda reached out and grabbed her free arm. The girl jerked up and glanced at Lynda, her eyes swimming.

"She's my girlfriend, ok?" He snarled.

"That doesn't give you the right to touch her without her consent."

"You wanna see consent?" He brushed his thumb on the girl's lips. "Tell her, Becca, don't you want this?"

'Becca' looked from her to Cameron and back to her, torn. The grip on her arm tightened and she began sucking on his thumb. Cameron gave out a grunt of satisfaction. Freeing her, he neared Lynda and whispered, "You are a good looking girl, Harding. But you need to fix that attitude of yours. Nobody likes a mouthy bitch."

With sour mood, Lynda left, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone.

The day of seminar drew near and apart from her dance routines, Lynda was burdened with preparation for the upcoming mid term. She had been promoted to the lead of the Bollywood piece because of her 'expression of emotion' as their instructor called it. Ivy, whom she replaced was definitely not happy. So her plate was literally overflowing.

On the day of the program, she and her colleagues were dressed in flowing skirts and heavily ornamented blouse wearing the traditional jewelries worn by Indians. Lynda had to admit, their culture was richer than theirs, there is something regal and otherworldly about them.

It was nerve wracking to find herself leading the dance troop in front of distinguished guests and peers. There in the front row sat Professor Lindberg conversing with other teachers. After that dinner night, he was increasingly becoming more frequent in her dreams. It's a harmless crush, everyone has them.

"Mind your steps." Soniya instructed. "Keep to the center and others will follow."

"Yes ma'am."

In the end, the program was executed without a single hitch. Their performance received standing ovation, but Lynda's eyes were drawn to one- the admiration in professor's eyes which she couldn't help but take it as for her.

Backstage after they had changed into normal clothes, Lindberg appeared to congratulate them. "You were spectacular!" He told Lynda after making through the flock of girls and engulfed her into a hug. Lynda froze against his muscles; it was quick and the touch was gone as soon as it was getting warm.

"Jeff?" Someone called from behind. It was the same lady sitting next to him. She strode forward to take his side, her eyes dazzling.

"All of you were so good. That second one you did, the  _Rabindra nritya_ , I couldn't take my eyes off."

"Absolutely." Lindberg agreed and pressed a kiss to her temple.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

As spring swept away the snows of winter, revisions were upon them. With her mammoth course work trying to drown her, Lynda couldn't spare much free time. She was up to the neck with the syllabus left to cover and often spent lengthy hours in the library working on her papers.

"This better be reflected in my grades." She complained during break. "Otherwise I swear I'll cut a bitch."

"At least you'll pass. Rest of us, not so lucky." Zaira said and Lynda couldn't fault her. There was only so much one can do when she skipped classes and slept through the few she appeared in.

She went home once during the spring vacation. Their neighborhood in Leeds had changed quite a lot in the months of her absence. There was a small grove west of their house by whose outskirt she used to play with other kids of neighborhood. It was a source of fear and wonder for them. Half of those trees were cut down so one could see other houses opposite the woods. Around it rose a wall with barbed wire, separating them forever.

The first few days back home were quiet. Lynda got up late much to her father's annoyance. She couldn't blame him- he was making breakfast and setting up everything for lunch as well as cleaning the house just before he went off to hospital, growing grumpier as days pass by.

"Your mother is least bothered." He said angrily over breakfast. "She comes once a week complaining about everything from office to home and here I'm doing everything."

"Mama told me she is taking transfer."

"I hope not. My life is hell already."

Sarah had been distant since she was home. She had just graduated to the final year of school and will be off to college by next year. Lynda always thought she'd forever be close to her and they won't grow separate like all other sibling they do when they grow up. She had tried to spark those old memories initiating conversations and suggesting to catch a movie together.

So far she had been refused outright. Sarah was, as mother called her 'reached maturity' unlike Lynda who still whiled away her time rereading Harry Potter series. Going somewhere near her where she was studying would set off alarms and Lynda would find herself being dragged away. But when she comes over to watch the telly, Lynda easily complied because she never could refuse those wide, pleading eyes.

Therefore Lynda devoted her time in study, taking break only to check in on her social accounts. She hadn't brought her laptop so she was left to work with the old desktop kept in Sarah's room. Sarah would hiss behind her, voicing her annoyance due to her elder sister working silently in her room. It was like she couldn't stand her presence.

Mama came home for the weekends and as usual, took out her vexation at everything on her family. It had started with the same issue with her using desktop. Sarah always knew their mother's softness towards her and exploited them fully. Soon Lynda was chased out by flurry of angry words and she sought refuge in her room.

"You ruined your life, your career. Now you want to ruin your sister's." She yelled, banging on her door. "You ungrateful-"

Lynda plugged in her headphone and played the most upbeat songs she had on her playlist.

The morning before she had to depart for London, mother was at the door.

"Everything packed?"

"Yeah." Lynda brushed past her dragging her suitcase. She followed her to the living room.

"I'm sorry for being mad at you." She said, trying to reach out to her daughter who jerked away.

"Sure."

"You know Sarah is in her last year. She has such a vast syllabus and she needs to work so hard. You get it right?"

"You don't like me very much, do you?" Lynda said as she locked up her suitcase. Her voice was nonchalant like she was talking about the weather.

A nervous chuckle escaped from her mother. "What- what makes you say that?"

"I don't know. Maybe the fact that you forgot to wish me on my birthday or the time that you wished I were dead?" She loved how her mother's  face morphed into something horrifying and apologetic. "What is it that you called me? Oh yeah. Psychopath."

She visibly flinched and Lynda inwardly whooped with joy. It was a small revenge.

"Darling you are not- I don't mean that. You know it, right?"

Sure she did, doesn't mean it never hurt her. "Lynda, darling. You are my first born- my first daughter. So many people love you. You are the apple of your father's eye. He loves you so, so much. Sarah is just so young and she needs someone to watch out for her-"

Lynda chuckled and grabbed her suitcase.

"I failed you, didn't I? As a mother. I was so busy with my job and everything, I missed out everything about you and you are right, it wasn't fair. I neglected you, I neglected your sister, my own family." Her voice broke down. "I achieved nothing."

And Lynda tried so hard to be strict, to keep herself emotionally detached.

"Let me make it up to you, hmm? Once your exams are finished, I'll take you with me and we will spend some time together, bonding. Your father can watch over Sarah. It will be just us."

Lynda got a B in her honors papers. Both mama and papa told her to try harder next time. "I'm bit busy at the moment" She said, "- showing Sarah around the university. She might get into one here. But I'll pick you up soon darling."

She spent her nineteenth birthday in the local bar. She sat in one corner, drank some whiskey and then some more until everything was fuzzy around her and her nerves were numb. For a long time she held back the tears welling in her eyes. She won't cry, not for something so trivial. She was strong, she was strong, independent and very, very lonely. One treacherous tear slid down her cheeks and the dam broke.

A guy sitting next to her said something.

"Get out before I break your neck." Lynda hissed. She wanted no assistance or pity. She needed time and sleep, soon she will be over this. The last thing she saw before slipping into unconsciousness was a pair of familiar, bright eyes.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Lynda wasn't sure when exactly she gained consciousness. The ceiling fan had been dancing in her vision for quite some time and now she could make out the golden design on it's blades. The bed was wide and comfy, her legs did not dangle. And it smelled better, like lavender and crisp ironed shirt.

She tried to get up, propped on her elbows and was immediately seized by throbbing headache. With a groan, she dropped back on the bed. It didn't take her long to realize she was not at home. What was she doing last night?- oh. The drinks. Fuck. Motherfucking- that was so reckless of her. She could have gotten into something bad- if she hasn't already.

Just then, Lynda noticed her stockings were removed and her dress had rode up to her belly exposing the lower part. She hurriedly sat up and got off the bed. Her belongings were lying on the floor- her bag, stocking and shoes. She touched chest in panic hoping to find proof of being violated but there seemed to be none. Either way, she needed to escape.

The wooden flooring was smooth and clean under her naked feet; she held her shoes so as not make any noise. Outside the bedroom was a staircase leading downstairs, another locked room opposite it.

Lynda had to admit the resident of this flat sure was tasteful. The curtains matched the rosy walls and there were decorative houseplants in pots hanging from the wall. It seemed to be a quiet neighborhood, she heard car drive by without honking.

Once she was in the living room, she heard clinks of plates and footsteps undoubtedly coming from the kitchen behind her. Lynda spied the door, it was unlocked.

Carefully she slipped into her shoes and very slowly walked to the door.

"Who's there- oh."

Lynda froze, a hand on the door knob as she recognized the voice. Jesus fucking Christ, does her bad luck know no bounds? 

"Hey-" She tried to say but it came out like terrified squeak.

"Hey." The professor replied. Lynda couldn't look at his face but saw him holding a bowl, wearing sweatpants and shirt, looking very homely and he was walking to her. Fuck this was real. How much did she lose control over? 

Did she say something inappropriate? Or did something? Her stomach lurched with horror. No, don't think about it. 

"How are you feeling?"

Terrifyingly embarrassed, like wanna-dig-my-own-grave-and-bury-myself kind.

"Good." She said and finally met his eyes. They were not disappointed as she thought they'd be but rather kind and understanding.

"I was just preparing some breakfast. Join me?"

In a trance she followed to the dining attached to kitchen. She caught the time on the clock, it was past 8 in the morning. She seated herself at the small table next to a window while Lindberg slipped behind the kitchen counter and resumed working on breakfast.

By the time he appeared bearing a tray, Lynda had relaxed enough to breathe evenly. He loaded her plate with sandwich and orange juice while keeping the tea for himself. She tried hard not to focus on his face, on those tiny bristles on his unshaven jaw instead on her sandwich that tasted bitter in her mouth.

"Do you realize" He said at length, setting down his empty cup. "-how much danger you put yourself into?"

Lynda shuddered at his words. 

"Going out alone at night. Drinking recklessly.  _You know what could happen_. What if I didn't reach you in time?"

"It was out of character." Lynda said quickly. "I was upset and I drank too much and I know shouldn't coz of the drugs-"

"Drugs?"

"My meds. It's uh- it's for my anxiety. Keeps me drowsy all the time and uh, the alcohol increased it's effect I think."

For sometime, they did not speak. Lindberg seemed to have lost his words and she did not know what to say next.

"I never knew." He mumbled at last.

"Yeah well I don't make a habit of telling everyone about my mental health problems."

He nodded gravely and got up to fetch some more orange juice- it looked like she would be there for some time.

"How did you find me?" She asked. What did I do? She meant.

"You were arguing with this man and you kind of started droop. I was at the table when I saw and a crowd formed around you so I went to check. You were inebriated, completely and uh, I had to bring you here."

Lynda did not ask who he had been with. She never saw his date after the seminar but it was her she envisioned with him. A man like him, he won't be single.

"I am sorry for accusing you, Lynda. I truly am." He said her name so earnestly. "But you have to understand that your safety and well-being comes first. You can't put yourself in risks like that."

"I know and I uh- I swear it will never happen again. Like ever."

Lynda stayed for some time as the professor went to get ready for college. He had told her to take the day and since it's just a new semester, it wont hurt. On his way he will drop her off. She checked out his bookcase in his living room, decked with books from ground to ceiling. Lynda had always wanted one like that, her own library.

They were good collection. Ranging from Tom Hardys and Charles Lambs to contemporary 'Lowland'. There's even Coelho. Gingerly, she took out 'Veronika Decides to Die'.

 "I never asked." Lindberg said when he descended, dressed in his suit, looking sharp as always. "What were you upset about?"

"It's nothing. Just stupid stuff." She said putting back the book.

"But sensitive enough not to tell me."

Lynda smiled. At least he didn't press further.

"You are cute when you do that."

Butterflies erupted inside her stomach. "What?"

"When you smile. Its so rare. You really are the saddest girl I've ever met." He regarded her curiously. Lynda squirmed under his gaze, unsure how to handle such attention. "Now come on. It's almost 10."

The ride back was very uncomfortable and the most conflicted she had ever felt. He had called her cute. Does that mean- but he was just being friendly. He was a teacher after all and to be honest, the best emotion he could feel towards her was pity. But the little smiles he kept throwing her way and how it made her jump? Were they just imagination? It's possible she was trying to make out something that wasn't there. 

He asked for directions. "You can just drop me here." She said as they took the street she lived in.

"How far is your place?" The car had pulled at the side.

"Quite near." She turned and faced him, ready to say goodbye. "Thank you so much. For rescuing and uh- the breakfast and everything. I swear I'll be careful."

"Mm." His smile widened and the whole world seemed to stop there. Lynda could feel her breath stop but she could do nothing about it. She was being pulled forward by an invisible force and what mattered was Lindberg's eyes, alluring and mysterious as a well; they had always scared her.

His lips were thinner and pressed together; Lynda felt his beard prick first and then his warm breath blew. She slotted her bottom lip between his and pressed, letting their breaths mingle. Only a few moments later, to her horror, she realized he had not moved. Or reacted at all.

Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. Fuck. What had she done? How could she be so stupid- this was madness. Lynda detached quickly and licked her lips in panic.

His eyebrows were crunched with shock and disbelief, lines on his forehead visible. Something danced in his eyes. Hatred? Anger? Disgust? Or maybe all of them.

"Not pretty enough?" Lynda said in a deathly calm voice and got out, shutting the door of the Hyundai.


	10. Chapter 10

Lynda prided herself on being thoughtful and calculative. She was ruled by mind because honestly, her gut instincts were disastrous. She liked to think it through, consider the consequences and judge if it benefited her. It wasn't like her to act on impulses especially so why couldn't she do it then?

The first time, she had made a move and look where it got her. She was now half sitting in her bed, cocooned by her blanket, trying to drown the sickening regret inside her with a can of condensed milk. If she could she'd lock the incident in a box, bury it somewhere no one will go to, even by mistake and just forget its entire existence. But the damn thing came popping up in her mind, and as usual for Lynda she liked to dissect every single detail when worried.

Doing something that intimate was exposing herself, letting him know that's her weak point and Lynda will crumble like house of cards when hit at that very spot. The thought of Lindberg judging her action kept her squirming; maybe he thought she was easy, gullible or without character. Or maybe he was disgusted with her approach, she wasn't in the same level as him.

How could she do it, Lynda despaired and scratched at the blanket, her chest tightening. He made her lose her sense and control, technically it was her own hormones but either way it resulted in a disaster.

Lindberg's number was saved to her phone and his whatsapp showed 'online'. Lynda contemplated sending an apology, that she regretted her action and made him uncomfortable. But maybe it was better to do it by person. To sort out everything so no doubt was left and they can put it behind.

After two days of missing class, Lynda dragged herself to class, her gut screaming 'abort!' all the while.

"How do you feel now?" Alma queried. Lynda had told her she was down with a flu and assured her she was better.

She could do this. She could be professional. She will request to be heard after class and apologize for her misconduct. She had coached herself all night, she could do it.

Lynda couldn't do it. As soon she walked in Lindberg's class, his eyes sought her out, following her everywhere. They were discreet but betrayed no emotion and Lynda sunk lower in her seat. This continued for couple of days. Whenever she would catch him anywhere near her, Lynda would make a mad dash to get away. 

The professor was the first to reach out. Since Lynda started to dodge him, he asked for her to stay back in class after departure. Everyone heard it so she couldn't chicken out of this one.

Once they were, the charge in the air changed drastically. She was suddenly aware of everything in the room.

"How may I help you, sir?" She asked politely, bracing herself.

"Help me with these files, mm?"

She followed him to his office attached to the classroom and deposited the files on his desk. Lindberg went around the desk and took his seat.

"Is that all, professor?"

Lindberg stared, freezing all of a sudden. "Yes." He said after collecting himself. "You can go."

Guilt and worry soon overpowered her, and Lynda found herself walking to Lindberg's office at the end of the class. The corridors were empty; students have already departed and before long the staff will pack up and leave too.

She hesitated at the door, hand resting on the doorknob. She heard a drag of chair and some noise, not discernible through the door. He was in.

She knocked hesitantly.

"Come in."

Lynda twisted the knob and entered.

"Oh." Lindberg dropped the book he was holding and jumped off his seat. He was wearing his fitted, white shirt with grey trousers; his blazer hung near the door. He looked classy and- fuck, she was staring.

Lindberg was smiling at her. And not in a condescending way. 

"I hope I'm not interrupting." She said; at least her voice was working.

"Not at all." He said quickly and walked around her towards the door. Lynda flinched but he only meant to close it. Click. It was locked.

Lynda licked her lips and walked backwards till her hip hit the desk. This was it- time for confrontation. She started to stall be dropping her bag on the chair next to her and pretended to observe the room, failing miserably at it for her attention was fixed to the way Lindberg walked with measured steps towards her like she was something volatile. He stood next to her, facing the opposite wall.

She broke the silence. "Is that meant to keep me from escaping?"

"No, you can leave anytime you want. I was just waiting, for you to come. When you were ready." He replied in low voice. He inched a bit closer that their arms were touching. Lynda tried hard not to think about it; she was already forgetting what she had rehearsed.

"I shouldn't have reacted like that or maybe reacted at least." He continued and Lynda was grateful for him for initiating. "I was shocked and kind of...unprepared."

"No I understand. I crossed a line. It's my fault. I uh- I thought wrong and and acted without thinking. You were being so kind and helpful and I mistook it for- uh I am sorry for everything-"

"Lynda-" He began but she continued, she had no control over her babbling.

"For crossing professional boundary-"

"Lyn-"

"And making you uncomfortable. I did not think it through." She was aware of the professor moving and he was now in front of her, crowding her back to the desk. As soon as his arms were either of her side, she stopped. He was close. Too close.

"Look at me." Lynda didn't. Her eyes were level with his collar and she kept it that way.

"Come on. Please."

"I can't." She whispered. They were now pressed close against each other, her chest touching his; his breath warm against her left ear. It was so clear what could happen but still confusing at the same time. Lynda could exhaust from the tension that radiated all around.

"Lyn-" He exhaled, voice low and shaky. His hands had enveloped her, his clean shaved face rubbing against the left side of her head. The anticipation was killing her yet she dared not say anything, it'd be gone before she knew it.

His hands left her back, climbing upwards until they were on her throat, tilting her head back. Lynda closed her eyes and whimpered.

There was no false interpretation this time. Lynda went rigid with shock;his lips firmly pressed to hers and making her dip back. 'Let go.' They said. 'Let go.'

And Lynda did. Her body went slack in his embrace as she melted into him. Lindberg detached for a moment and attacked on a different angle and without any though, she parted her lips. The first stroke of his wet tongue against her own was divine. It made her legs give away so she clutched onto his shirt desperately to keep her from slipping.

It was wet, rushed and sloppy and yet it couldn't be more perfect. Lindberg was kissing her utmost vigor and passion, like he could devour her if he could. Tongue massaging tongue, their saliva mixing together and their minds in twisted jumble, Lynda tried to meet his rhythm. Everything senses of her was him, him and only him.

Soon lack of breath made itself known and they detached for a while.

"Someone may come." She gasped, panting from breath.

"It's only McCullum in this wing. He never sticks around." And they were back at clawing at each other madly. His hands had slid down her chest between them and were palming her breasts through her shirt. Lynda pressed closer, a low hum escaping her lips.

"Oh Lyn-" He moaned and licked her lips, tongue swiping under her nose.

"Nngh." She whined as their contact broke momentarily but soon she was being grabbed by her hips and hoisted up. As soon as she was on the desk, she pulled him closer between her legs. His bulge was starting to press against her own sex; it made her ache.

'Don't think.' She chastised herself. Lindberg's hands were now gripping her thigh and fuck, that felt- that was nothing like anything she ever felt. She tightened her arms around his neck and gripped his hair, claiming his mouth. 

_Consequence_. 

Her brain started nagging. Lynda ignored, savoring the breathy moans it drew from the professor.

_Consequence_.

"We shouldn't-" She said against his lips. "-do this." Lindberg seemed not to hear her and still clutched her.

"Stop. Please." She couldn't breathe. "I said stop."

Lindberg jolted back, holding up his arms. Worry and shame etched to his face.

"I'm sorry- I uh- we shouldn't. We need to talk."

"Yes." He exhaled and turned away. "We should."


	11. Chapter 11

Lynda fumbled with the buttons of her shirt that had been opened during their intimacy. Her beating heart was so intense that she feared it may fail any moment. Her mouth still tasted of him, wet around her lips. She could still feel his the touch of his hands where they had been, from her neck to back to her breasts.

The professor looked equally disheveled when she glanced at him. His hair was messed up and hem of his shirt hanging out of his trousers.  _I did that_ , Lynda thought. Even though it was mutually done, it was still impulsive and reckless. 

The tension hasn't fully dissipated; Lindberg's posture was rigid and eyes downcast as went around the desk and put an effective three foot distance between them. See what you have done, her conscience cried. She had changed the dynamic between them forever and whatever the new change brought, Lynda wasn't ready for it. She didn't want to deal with it, wishing it had never happened in first place.

But it was so good. It confirmed all her doubts, that she hasn't been imagining it all this time. That his affections did extend to her beyond their professional boundary. Her first real kiss from someone she truly wanted. If only it came without consequences.

"I'm sorry. I overstepped the boundary." He said, voice trembling. "I shouldn't have-"

"You made me do nothing I did not want to."

Lynda sat down on the empty chair, dropping her bag at her feet.

"Does that mean-"

Lynda dragged her fingernails across the wooden desk, trying to muster up her courage. "Yeah."

"Me too." He said quietly. 

And it was out so simply. All their desire laid bare, that they both wanted each other. So much of secrecy and fear of being exposed, and this felt like she was liberated. Like she could breathe for the first time. Lynda risked peeking at him and before she could get a proper look, she turned away under his intense eyes. She suddenly wanted to disappear, hide herself away until the whole thing just blows away. But she can't. Not before this was straightened out.

"We can't do this." Lynda was first to speak.

"Yeah. You are right. I should have been more careful, me being your teacher and of course older than you, by more than ten years. I didn't mean to take advantage of your...affection even if I felt the same way. I should have done better."

"It's okay-"

"No this was wrong. It was fault in my judgement and now everything is changed."

"I did it first." Lynda argued. If only she hadn't.

"Don't blame yourself. What's done is done. I think its better to put it behind us and try to return to the arrangement we had before."

Lynda agreed even though she wasn't sure if that's what she wanted, but its for the best.

"I will ask to be transferred if I make it uncomfortable for you to be in my class-"

"There's no need." She said quickly. She didn't wish to create any more problem for him. "I will get over it." 

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah.

"Okay." He nodded and Lynda took it as her cue to leave. She got up and swung her bag around her shoulder.

"Lynda?" She heard him call when she was at the door. Lindberg looked miserable, eyes pleading intently. "Yes Professor?"'

"Would the circumstance were different, did we have a chance?"

Did they? Lynda would like to hope so. But that was just fantasy. Even if they met in another world, she doubted they'd make it. However strong might his fondness for her was at this moment would surely run out one day. And that day, Lynda will be too broken to be put back together again.

"No." She said and closed the door behind her.

It was not easy pretending nothing ever happened but Lynda was adamant. After all she had much experience with pretending everything was okay. She spent time with her friends as usual lest they suspect anything. She started spending hours in dance classes to take her mind off and it seemed to get better.

All her tactics failed as soon as Lindberg walked into class next day. The memories crashed over her like tidal wave. Her heart still clenched at the sight of him and she found herself wishing it had not ended like that but it was fantasy. She could never have it.

Lindberg seemed to be uncomfortable too and she felt sorry for putting him through this. He kept looking at her and at times, she feared they might get caught. Thankfully, they made it through the day. And the next. No more did she participate in class and the professor never called her out for it. One day, she slept through both of his morning class and one of her batch mate attracted his attention to it.

"Leave her be." He said and moved on with his lecture. Otherwise, he kept avoiding her.

August brought book fair and rumor of college excursion to Greece and Italy. It was welcome distraction for Lynda though it was highly unlikely that her parents will permit her to go.

Browsing through the aisles of the fair one evening, Lynda caught sight of the professor in one stall accompanied by lady. They looked quite familiar and cozy by the sight of it. Her stomach churned with bitterness. "Well that didn't take long." She thought to herself. It was just as she had suspected, his affections changed like seasons. Even it hurt then, Lynda had dodged a bullet.

Just when she was about to leave Lindberg met her eyes. The jolt of suddenness and guilt made her freeze in her spot. She saw him excuse himself from his company and the woman pressed a quick kiss to his temple before going back to browsing more books.

"Hi." He sounded short of breath when he neared her. Lynda looked around for any familiar face.

"Good evening professor."

The formal address made his face fall and it brought a tinge of joy to her. He recovered quickly though, wiping the warmth off his eyes so that Lynda was cold again.

"Miss Harding. Enjoying the fair?"

"Very much." She remained civil and showed him the books she had purchased. To anyone they appeared to be normal, just a teacher conversing with his student about academic works when both of them were playing this game of hide and seek, talking cryptically because they did not know how else to communicate.

"Are you here with someone?" He whispered after some time.

"You are the one who moved on so quickly." She wanted to lash out but that would be hypocrisy when she was the one who ended everything.

"No." 

"You look good." Lynda looked up to meet his gaze, they were as sincere as ever. It was rare for her to get compliments, and rarer still to be flirted with so she soaked up his words, giving them more value than she should. Damn this man, how can she be over him when he was still looking at her like that? 

"Sorry- I can't seem to restrain myself." He stepped back. "You are a student. This is wrong-"

"It's not wrong." Lynda interrupted. "It just won't work out."

After they bade each other good night, Lindberg joined his date and she went back to her lonely flat.


	12. Chapter 12

Lynda woke up to sound of something shattering followed by canons of angry shouts and hissing. She kicked off her blanket and rushed out her room, cold air chilling her bare legs.

Her parents were on either side of the dining table engaged in a sort of freaky dance while screaming the roof off, pieces of china shattered on the floor.  Still not recovered from her sleep, Lynda found it hard to understand what they were fighting about but mama had her fingers pointed at papa while he snarled like a mad animal. They were only seconds away from tearing each other from limb to limb.

"Stop- what are you doing?" Lynda stepped between them. "Mama please." 

"Get out." She hissed, not taking any notice of Lynda trying to shield her.

"Stop already-Dad?" And then she was being shoved aside roughly. The collision against the wall sent a sharp pain through her elbow but none of her parents had any care for that.

"You never could do anything with, you never left this goddamned place!" Mama cried. "You are like that frog in the well. Just stick here with your pathetic life."

"Oh so your life is so much better yeah? Go ahead. Leave. Don't come back crawling to me then."

Lynda recovered supported herself up and once again, tried to intervene. Only then she noticed Sarah by the door, helpless and weeping. 

"I do everything for your office while you sit on that goddamned chair." Papa said. "If it weren't for me, you could never run that place."

"Couldn't I? I got that job on my own, with my own qualification. I sacrificed for it, earned it while you stayed holed up in this house never doing anything. You talk of qualification, why are you here then?"

"You are pathetic-"

"And you are jealous. You never had any ambition-"

"Ambition, hmm? I never abandoned my family in the name of ambition. I raised Lyn, I raised Sarah while you were gallivanting around the world. What kind of mother does that?"

"Then you shouldn't have married me. I should've listened to Gina, she did tell me you were a no good bastard."

"Papa no-" Lynda cried as papa made stomped towards her.

"Mind your damn mouth-"

"Or what?" She challenged, not backing down.

Like every other fight this one ended with mama bawling her eyes out as she picked up the broken glasses and father brooding in his room. Sarah was still crying, crouched beside mama.

"I do so much for all of you-" Mama sobbed. "I took this job far away so that you will have better lives. But your father, he doesn't give one ounce of respect. I have to work away from, at home- I have no time for myself and each weekend I come back, he starts the same argument every time."

The same argument was the multiple variations of ongoing disagreement between two of them. Either it was about their utter disregard of each others opinion, or decisions regarding their career or the current squabble about financial management. They did not care how it impacted their two girls, how it chipped away the last fond memory of them as a family.

The following days were relatively peaceful but tense. They weren't throwing jibe at each other, that's a consolation. Lynda knew all to well this was temporary. Like calm before the storm, soon they will be back at each others throat. Slowly, it went back to normal. Lynda caught them talk till late night, quite seriously by the look of it. 

"Do you think they are getting divorce?" Sarah sounded terrified.

"Nah." Lynda assured her. She had seen bigger arguments in past, ones that made her skip school to watch over her parents. They wouldn't do anything extreme.

The day before she was to leave, her parents crept into her room. It was odd seeing them together, like they were about to deliver some dreaded news. Were they divorcing? Is that why Sarah was worried?

But they were not. They talked to her about the excursion. Lynda had mentioned it first day she was back at home. Both of them had refused citing financial problems. In spite of promising herself it did not matter, Lynda had actually spent the holidays being bitter and sulking. She didn't expect to bring it up again but she'd give anything to have a normal conversation.

"It's really big. They are going to take us to Italy and Greece, through France. We are going to see all cultural sights and everything. It's week long."

"And you want to go?" Her mother queried.

"Yeah? I mean we haven't gone anywhere so I thought this could be my only chance."

"How much does it cost?" Her father went straight to the point before she could impress him with facts.

"About six hundred pounds."

Their parents shared a glance, their eyes communicating in coded language.

"Okay." They said in unison.

"What?"

"You can go."

"But why?" Lynda asked suspiciously. There must be a catch, she thought, there always was.

"We just want you to be happy." They assured, seemingly artless. "We have put both of you through so much. I think it's time to make some amends. All these fights we had-" Papa nodded in agreement. "-we never thought how it affected both of you. We know we don't deserve it but can you please forgive us?"

"It's okay." Lynda said easily. 

"Thank you darling. About that excursion, it will be a great experience, I wish we could go with you but maybe next time, mm?"

They further tell her they are sending Sarah to aunt Gina's while they work on their marriage, probably seek a counselor. They looked serious about it and it fit everything perfectly. Maybe some alone time will help them work out their issues. The prospect of trip didn't excite her as much as the dream of finally having peace. Lynda nodded, soaking up the rare warmth. She wanted to be in this moment forever.

Lynda always found anticipation of something more enjoyable than the real thing. Or maybe it was just her nerves. The morning of departure, she laid in her bed for longer than time would allow, crying silently. Something was gonna happen, her heart clenched. It was stupid and irrational but then again, her anxiety never heeded rationality.

Alma's father drove them to airport and wouldn't hear no from her when Lynda refused to accept the international sim he gave them. For someone who was dubbed as unlikable and rude, Lynda was actually well liked by people who mattered to her. She was polite, civil, kept up decent grades, no wonder Alma's parents considered her to be their family.

Their flight was uneventful; Lynda remained with her friends, snapping pictures endlessly. She'd worry about how her parents were getting on; none of her friends knew though. Not even Alma.

Occasionally her eyes would stray to find the familiar figure of Lindberg. He was seated far away from her, engaged in conversation with his fellow professors. He was vivacious yet reserved, humoring his colleagues and mixing with his students without inhibition. It could be her, Lynda thought but she had spurned that offer.

Probably for the best. Lynda could never match his spontaneity. He'd tire of her eventually. Still she couldn't help but explore the what ifs. There were so many questions unanswered- how did she even catch his attention? Did he still feel something towards her? Was he even as serious as she thought he was?

But she had missed her chance. The new TA of Economics department was pretty and tottered around Lindberg with her small, light steps. Lindberg was in his usual extroverted self and indulged her. Lynda twisted with anger, restraining herself with all her strength. Once or twice her eyes met Lindberg's but his warmth was replaced with something hard and unfamiliar. Her heart crashed like a glass chandelier as she realized he didn't care anymore.

 


	13. Chapter 13

A Volvo bus was hired to give them tour of most notable place, it was luxurious and convenient. From Louvre, they were taken to the Palace of Versailles. Unlike most people, they had previously booked ticket with special concession as students and was let to explore the entire palace ground. They were divided into groups led by one teacher. Lynda's group got the worst- Professor Borosova kept pushing them to hurry up like herd of sheep, totally indifferent to the incredible beauty around them.

"Now I can die satisfied." Alma remarked when they were at the marble courtyard where the reflection of palace shone like mirror.

Lynda had to agree. The gilded palace with its well kept garden, extensive collection of historical remnants, was the supreme mark of craftsmanship. Every room- be it the parlor, dining or the art gallary, were so exquisitely decorated that one might think they stepped into fairy tale. Many were used to host charity events and parties.

"Do they host wedding?" Abigail wondered. "That would be fucking amazing." She leaned against a table and struck her most dramatic pose, throwing back her neck and putting on her most flattering smile.

"Imagine it- all guest seated in here, dining during reception. And I'd come through that door all regal and fancy and my man will take my arm and escort me-"

Her fantasy was interrupted by Stevens. "And your man will be destitute when he is handed the bill next day."

"It's the most important day of a girl's life, Josh, don't be a dick. Besides if my man can't afford it, he isn't getting this ass."

"Miss, non-" One guard came running spitting flurry of french and steered her away from the table.

They were kept at Jade Palace, a fairly good hotel that provided a distant view of the crown of Eiffel Tower   
They were kept at Jade Palace, a fairly good hotel that provided a distant view of the crown of Eiffel Tower. Lynda roomed with Alma, they had the king size bed to themselves and a majestic attached bath. After dinner, everyone settled in the hotel lobby, too early to go to bed but too tired to make much merry. Lynda's phone rang a second time just after she had called papa. Elijah, it read.

Lynda excused herself and exited the hotel.

"Hi." Elijah's voice was rough and unfamiliar. It opened a floodgate of irritation.

"Hey."

After a pregnant silence, Elijah asked, "How are you?"

"Better than I've been a long time." Lynda said promptly.

"Oh good. Good. Uh- how is your class?"

Lynda was beginning to answer but the line went dead. Great. A minute later, it rang again.

"Are you out of country right now?" Elijah asked. "My phone's adding international charges."

"Yeah, I'm in France. College trip. Look- do you need something?" Lynda was growing impatient.

"Uh what?" He stuttered.

"What do you need?" She snapped.

"I get it you are angry-"

"Oh do you now?"

"I was just checking on you."

"After five fucking months? You didn't have the basic decency to send a text!"

"Well you didn't either." He accused. The nerve of this guy.

"Oh so you are gonna hold that against me? And you told me to leave, you never made any attempt to get in contact-"

"I was giving you space-"

"Space for five months? Did you even ask me?" Lynda stopped for breath. "You are- you are fucking pathetic."

"I'm sorry." He whispered after long time but all it did did was to light the residual fuel in her. "You said you were ready."

"I never told you I was completely sure, not explicitly. It's not that easy. Something like that requires much more that just words."

"We made a pact-"

"Which we could back out any time. That was the most important point. I didn't feel good about it, that's it."

"You could be if you stopped worrying about what others think. It was just sex, Lynda-"

"You don't get it, do you? It's not about what others thinks. It's about me. Its about how I feel about it. Look, I don't give a fuck what others think. I'm good with casual sex but there has to be attraction for me." She said with a sigh. "Nobody can stop me from doing what I want. But nobody can make me do something I don't want to do."

She stared out into the city, blocking out everything Elijah was saying, it was so much more alive in the dark. Cars and people rushed by, and Lynda was just a bystander. She wondered what it'd be like to share these moments with someone. To check in to that little diner that hung lanterns outside, or the walking the streets all night, just escape all the pressure and strings that tied her. Why couldn't just people connect like this?

"So uh- we back to being friends now?" Elijah's voice brought her back to reality.

"Oh please. We were never friends, Elijah. That was not what you wanted. You wanted to fuck me- don't try and deny it-" She snarled. "You know, I thought you'd be different, that you'd actually want to be friends, someone to talk to, but guess what? Every time I try to believe otherwise, you prove that men are trash.

"I don't want you to call me ever. Lose the number, unfriend me or whatever, I don't give a fuck. We are done."

"Just like that?" Elijah's voice shook. "You can't just forget everything we had."

"Try me bitch." Lynda snapped and ended the call. If the phone hadn't been so precious, she would have hurled it at passing cars.

For some time, she sat on the stairs that led to the hotel. A cool breeze was blowing and she didn't want to move. There was a sweet fragrance in the air, it was lulling her to sleep. As she closed her eyes, she heard footsteps behind her- not boots, they wereclicks of heels.

"It's so beautiful, isn't it?" Lori Wolfe said. Lynda looked up at the TA but said nothing. She didn't seem to be bothered but sat down next to her.

"Couldn't sleep?" She asked.

"No, I just like it here."

"Mm. You can stay under a tree in the park and it still would be the most beautiful place here. I came here on my honeymoon. We were staying at the Keppler. We walked the bridge all night, me and Ben." She smiled fondly as the memory played in her mind. Lynda didn't know how to react and desperately wished for a handbook that instructed how to survive in these situation.

"We had a scooter that I used to drive us around. Very Roman Holiday-like, just not a Vespa-" She trailed on. Lynda had stopped listening and was intently observing her. She possessed a charming, youthful beauty in her fair cheeks and pretty blue eyes. Had they slept together yet- Lynda wondered miserably. She didn't want nothing more than to grill her for everything, to understand how easily she replaced Lynda. Men moved on so easily when refused something.

"Where is your husband now?" Lynda asked suddenly, unable to stand how happy she sounded.

"Oh." Wolfe startled. "We separated. Few years back. It happens. We were young and kind of rushed into this. While we were building our lives, somehow that bond was gone."

Just like her parents' was gone. Sadly, Lynda never got to see them in love.

"Do you still believe in love? After all these?"

Wolfe considered her question with a pause. "Of course. Sure it has pains and troubles, but in the end, isn't it better to feel everything than nothing at all?"

You are wrong, Lynda thought.

You are a coward, her conscience whispered.


	14. Chapter 14

With only a single day to spare before they board the train to Italy, the students were taken to rest of the notable sites in the vicinity. Lynda didn't enjoy Eiffel Tower as much as her peers did; the great height made her dizzy and even though she knew there was no need to fret, she clutched onto railings to ensure her security. She wasn't the only one to be affected- Newman threw up almost immediately as the lift started to ascend.

Dinner at the Lighthouse was delightful- it was completely different dining with friends. Lighthearted conversation flowed punctuated by cackle of laughter as the professor joined them without inhibition, all in jovial mood. Amidst that, Lynda tried to gravitate towards Lindberg as much as she could without suspicion. She couldn't just get him off her mind and it was taking an unhealthy turn now.

Back at their hotel, Lynda noticed she had three missed call from Sarah. It must be important if her shy and withdrawn sister took the pain to call her. She undressed and ran a hot bath while dialing her sister's number.

"Where's Zaira?" She asked when Alma appeared. Sarah wasn't picking up.

"Next room. Lindberg is hosting movie night." She said bitterly and shut the door.

It stung her badly- he was so intent to avoid her that even Alma had to be excluded. At that moment she wanted nothing more than literally push his down the stairs.

Sarah picked up on second ring and Lynda left for bathroom, behind her, Alma announced her intention to retire for the night.

"Hey."

"Where have you been?" Sarah sounded hysterical. "I have been calling you for hours."

"I just got back to my room. What is it?"

The words Sarah said next did reach her ear but somehow her brain did not process anything. She was aware of her breath stopping, as did her entire body.

"Say again."

"They are divorcing Lynda! Are you deaf?" Her scream pierced Lynda's eardrum but that was nothing compared to the emotional blow to her gut. Before her eyes, the memories of decades surged clouding her own reflection in the mirror. They were snippets of memories- the first day of school when papa held her hand- the warmth radiating from mama as she held her girls- the time when Lynda comforted her baby sister after a particularly violent fight between their parents, her mother's tears and red, puffy eyes and the lack of light in her father's eyes- she had no control over the flow.

Sarah was rambling on the other side but none of the words got through Lynda's occupied mind. She felt angry, hopeless but most importantly- betrayed. That was why they sent her away, as they sent Sarah away. They said they were working on their issue- that all will be well. It was one of their never ending web of lies. Every time she had tried to believe in them, every single motherfucking time, her heart had been tossed from one field to other in the game that her parents were playing.

She desperately wanted to hit something that would eclipse this pain. Looking at her reflection, she found tears leaking from her blurry eyes. Without thinking she punched the mirror. It did not break but her knuckles burnt. Lynda decided she liked the burn. A strangled sob escaped her lips and Lynda realized that Alma could hear her and immediately opened the taps.

Sarah was sobbing and another voice- her aunt- mingled with her. Her brain immediately switched on her protective side.

"It's okay, baby." She wheezed. "I'm here- it's gonna be okay. I'm sure they won't do it."

"Don't you see? They already have. I knew for some time- mama told me not to say anything and I thought it wasn't really serious. But its decided now. Aunt Gina told me they have met with lawyers. This is it, Lynda."

Leaving her phone on the basin, Lynda sank to the floor, letting her tears fall freely. It mixed with the shower water that was running over her heard. The hot water soon turned cold but Lynda couldn't find the urge to get up. Her chest felt tight, water flooding into her nostrils as she muffled her sobs.

"Lynda?" She heard Alma call. "You okay in there?"

"Yeah." She croaked and reached for the tap. Any longer in these wet clothes she will catch a flu. Shedding her clothes, she wrapped herself in her towel and walked across the slippery floor of shower. It happened so quickly- the wet tiles under her feet shifted suddenly and Lynda found herself landing flat on her back, her head hitting loudly against the floor with a wet smack.

For such a serious injury, Lynda actually picked herself up rather quickly. But that was just because the pain hadn't started yet. Her hands were shaking from the impact as she covered herself in towel and reached for the door handle.

Alma who had heard her fall rushed to her aid.

"Get someone-" Lynda panted; her head seemed to be in the verge of exploding. She tried feeling the extent of injury- her hair was still wet but there was no blood. Quickly she was loosing all her strength. Her feet started to give away and her vision started to darken.

A click of door lock later she was being engulfed by strong arms and hauled to her feet. Lynda gave in and completely surrounded herself to him. It was a him or more specifically- Lindberg. Her towel was slipping off her body but Lynda couldn't care about her modesty then. The pain had assumed a repetitive pattern that had started to spread to the front of her skull.

"Does it hurt?"

"Too much." Lynda whimpered.

"Just a little bit more- we are almost near your bed."

Alma retracted her housecoat and Lindberg put it around her. She slipped on arm and the professor guided her other. She let the towel fall from her grip; she had her back to Alma but Lindberg who was by her side probably caught her bare. She will worry about it later; she let herself be laid on the bed in horizontal position without any pillow.

"Lay still." He instructed and covered her with her blanket. "I'm going to get the doctor."

Lynda laid as instructed. Fatigue was taking over her but she was too terrified to close her eyes fearing she might not open them again.

A little while later Lindberg led the doctor into their room along with Borosova. Being in too much pain, she couldn't focused on the doctor and let him examine her.

"Is it serious?" They queried.

"Well there is no concussion or fracture but we can't really be sure in case of head injury. She had hit the back of her head, any lower, it would have been fatal. I'd advise you to keep her under observation. Complete bed rest till the coast is clear.

"Tell me, do you feel nauseous?" He asked Lynda.

"No."

"Good. Have you ever had head injury before?"

Lynda paused to count. "I think four or five- no, six. Probably six times."

The collective gasp made look up- shock and disbelief were evident in their expression, even the doctor. Lindberg looked most shaken, probably wondering what sort of freak she was. Lynda explained that she was an active child and none of them were major.

"Is her parents notified yet?" He asked after collecting rest of info.

"Please don't." Lynda pleaded. The thought of them made her head throb. Being tied to bed made her feel helpless and she imagined the fuss they will make atop all they have already created. "They have too much going right now."


	15. Chapter 15

The rhythmic jolt of train made Lynda drowsy, like a baby in crib she was being lulled to sleep. They have been on train for more than six hours; their last stop was Bern an hour ago and now they were entering the Alps. September weather had less snow so the lower passes wore a cloak of greenery while the peaks were crowned with headdress of ice. 

As dusk pulled the curtain on outside scenery, Lynda turned to the empty seat in front of her, lost in thoughts. She was alone in her cubicle, Alma had gone off to some part of the train leaving her in a much needed space.

She was torn between wanting to go home, to check on her parents about how serious this was and wanting to get away from all of it. She was tired of playing the counselor, of having to take care of their sister while her parents warred; of having to sacrifice constantly while everyone remained oblivious to it and continued to bash her for anything and everything. And Lynda still put up with them, because that's what she does. She was the elder daughter, if not her, who would? 

For years, she had tolerated all the toxic insults and negativity, all because she feared the change that'd bring. It was the uncertainty of future that kept her awake at night. The least her parents could do was try to understand the agony they put her through. 

Maybe it was for the best. Her parents were never compatible. Both with dominating personality and their tendency to leave each other out of loop, it was like a match of who could have more power in their dynamic. She knew it was going to crash and burn, that they were never meant to be. Lynda wished she didn't have to take part in it but she cared too much to let go.

The door of their partition slid open suddenly and Lindberg's head appeared. Lynda immediately took her legs off the seat opposite her and sat up straight.

"I couldn't find you in the pantry." He said, standing awkwardly at the door.

"I was just getting some rest."

Lindberg gave her a understanding smile. "May I come in?"

"Yes of course."

The professor stepped inside and closed the door. He wore a navy blue sweater that smelled of coffee and warmth; the green scarf around his neck made him look snug, comfortable. It reminded her of Christmas, of the rare occasions when they dined in restaurant, of happiness.

"How do you feel?" He asked tentatively.

For a second Lynda did not know what he was referring to. She hadn't thought about the accident much. "Better."

"Feeling nauseous?"

"Not at all."

"Good." He said to himself. Lynda waited for him to say something but his lips did not move.

 A heavy silence settled over them, but not awkward. Its like he knew the storm in her head and he was waiting for it to blow over. It was another part of him that Lynda loved- his patience. She looked away to the glass of the window that reflected their image. She inclined her head to rest on the glass, letting the vibrations reverberate through her.

"Wouldn't anyone miss you?" Lynda said at length. Lindberg had been here for some time and it won't take a genius to figure out what must be going on.

"Probably." He said quietly. "I should go." 

He got up and made to open the door but stopped suddenly.

"I never meant to hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me." Lynda lied, keeping her gaze on the reflection in the window. She heard him open the door and something stirred in her heart. "Not intentionally."

Lindberg froze in the doorway. Lynda slowly turned towards his back, mentally wishing for him to turn around.

"I just thought you didn't care." 

The door slid shut and the professor leaned against it. "I do care." He mumbled.

His words rocked her mind, filling up with all kind of interpretation and possibilities. Once again, Lindberg took the seat opposite her. He leaned forwards, his hand resting on his knees, a conflicted smile on his lips.

"That's what you have been doing, isn't it?"

"Doing what?"

"Pretending that you feel nothing?"

Lynda was unable to hold his gaze and looked away, he had caught her. He had saw through her battalion of lies, something, people closest to her failed to do. They overlooked her pained smile thinking she was happy, that their sharp words cannot cut through her tough skin.

"It always worked well for me." 

She flinched when his fingers touched her cheek. When did he get so close?

"Why?"

"To protect myself. I didn't want to be seen vulnerable, that I had weak points."

His hand stilled on her skin. "You really think affection is weakness?"

"Isn't it? Besides, I couldn't let it escalate."

"Because it is unethical?"

"Because I am scared. I am scared of what will happen if this didn't work. That you suddenly decided that you didn't want it. I don't know if you did this- no offense meant- did this with other students-"

"There are no other students, Lynda." 

She stopped to take a breath, her hand was shaking. "I don't know how far your affection goes."

Lindberg takes his hand off her cheek and laced his fingers with hers. "What if I tell you? That I wanted you, maybe not from the start, but for a long time. Too long. That I only held back because I thought I might be trapping you? That I'd make you feel uncomfortable and you might feel obligated to reciprocate?"

His confession made her head spin. She had no clue he had been wanting her for so long, if that was the truth. How hard was it for him? The seed of hope that had been planted had started to germinate as he revealed himself.

"Then I'd tell you that I want you too." She said quietly. It was like jumping off a cliff, not knowing if anyone was there to catch her. "Still do."

And then they were kissing. It wasn't just touch of lips or tongue in mouth. It was gentle, it was wet, it was warm. His fingers left her hands and rested around her neck, drawing her closer. Lynda cocked her head to one side, letting him whisk her away.

"Lynda-" His voice was honey like, full of promise. His tongue flicked out and licked her lips. It was succeeded by steady press of smaller kisses.

She felt calm in his hands yet rushing like waterfall, making her feel protected as he took her to uncharted lands. How was this man even real?

The kiss started to get heated then. Lynda followed her instinct and placed her palm on her chest, pressing them closer. She parted her lips without hesitation, trusting that he will make her feel good. His tongue delved inside her mouth, brushing her own. She kissed back with twice as much zeal.

Then he was being pulled forwards. Lynda obliged, settling on his lap, legs on either side as she faced him. His blue eyes were wide with want, intoxicated by her. He looked so heavenly that she didn't want to disturb his perfect form. 

"Professor-" She sighed against his lips.

"Jeff. My name's Jeff."

"Jeff." She tried the name, it rolled off her tongue so easily. 

Lindberg hummed and attached his lips to her neck. It immediately set off a chain of fireworks. His curls were ticklish on her skin and if she wasn't so preoccupied in seeking some friction, she might have laughed. He was growing beneath her too. She sat up more firmly and rutted against his clothed crotch, earning breathless moans from her lover.

"Lyn-"

"Mm?"

"I'm...I can't hold it-" His body jolted violently and then went lax under her. Lynda blushed when she realized what had happened. Lindberg smiled against her neck and grabbed her face for a bruising kiss.


End file.
